The Presidents’ Mile Mascot Challenge: Saturday, August 9
From the Desk of the 28th President of the United States of America, Woody Wilson
My Esteemed Fellow Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Roosevelt and Taft:
Frankly, I don’t get it. You come out of a hole in the wall in center field, you then run your scrawny little legs off for what, 75 meters, on some meticulously-manicured grass, then tumble to the ground in a big heap near first base. Even fellow president Gerald Ford could do something as spastically challenging as that and with more flair.
I know a 5K would be as impossible for you guys to complete as it was for New York Gov. Thomas E. Dewey to be elected, but the true-man that I am, I am issuing a challenge to you – the five most famous world leaders – over the most storied distance in racing history – The Mile, America’s distance.
But soon you all can redeem yourselves, including you, Teddy, that is if you’re not still the Bullmoose-headed Progressive you were back in 1912 when you split the Republican vote with your buddy William, allowing me, the steady Dem from Princeton, to slide safely into presidential victory. And George, can you believe we begin my Woodrow Wilson Bridge Half Marathon right at the front steps to your house? I tell no lie. And Abe, not to leave you out, I had my Press Secretary take a pic of me with my running buddies, right behind your very own monument! Even ran the 57 steps to the top in Rocky fashion!
Here’s the scoop to determine presidential race supremacy once and for all. Don’t worry, the taxpayers will foot your entry fees.
• The date of destiny = Saturday, August 9 at 9:00am
• The venue = Edison High School Track in Alexandria, VA
• The event = the Potomac Valley Track Club all-comers summer track meet
• One Mile = four times around the track plus that all important 9 meters!
The race will also be closely monitored by Bring Back the Mile, a grassroots effort to promote the benchmark gold standard Mile race that I grew up with and also to replace the ridiculous distance of 1600 meters in U.S. high schools with the distance we Americans understand The Mile. Dress in your Saturday best as the race will be videotaped for all of America to view and enjoy.
Feel free to accept the challenge. I will be there regardless, in my racing spikes no less. My Press Secretary’s contact information is below.
Go Mile, America’s distance!
Steve Nearman, firstname.lastname@example.org
Press Secretary, 28th President of the United States
Event Director, Woodrow Wilson Bridge Half Marathon & 6K